Just because you're struggling now, doesn't mean you won't make it. Hard times don't last. Keep going. You are strong enough. April 22nd,2016 I made a promise to myself that I wld turn my life around and live each day as if I wouldn't see the next. I made a commitment to myself that I wld no longer try to mask my feelings and emotions by using drugs and I will be honest with myself when I do and hold myself responsible for my actions. Today is Nov.25th and after a whole lot of T4C (thinking for a change)ing I came to the final conclusion that I am holding myself accountable for my immature actions and my unhealthy decisions. Monday Nov.27th,2017 I will be going back to Sojourner to tighten it up. In almost 2 years I have accomplished so much in my life and I was one step closer to throwing that away for nothing. Its not hard to throw away 2 years of clean time in a single sec. with just one single poor decision ..However I was not prepared to do that, here's what I did, I sat down and regrouped my thoughts, I gave up chasing him, and realized he will never change, I stopped hiding from my problems and faced them head on. I stopped stuffing my feelings bc stuffing them will only allow them to build and if they get to big I'm gna throw any and every drug �dc89 at them just numb and forget... T4C... It worked guys it was successful I was able to stop myself before I created a madness in my life that I may not of been able to control.. I have made some mistakes I am only human but I was able to stop myself and turn things around before I threw it all away.... ; Strength �dcaais what we gain from the ? madness we survived... I will remind myself daily of everything I am grateful for and push myself to go just a little further each day. Looking back from where I am now cant even compare to where I will be one day soon. The road I travel may not be the easiest one to travel but with dedication, motivation, hard work and determination I will SUCCEED WITH ‼❗❕ I dedicate this day to my daughter.. everything that I do from this moment on I am doing for you... I love you Brooklynne Elaine. Perfectly broken. Perfectly flawed. My past does not define the person I am today and I will live each day knowing tomorrow will be bether. On the outside she is fine and seems to be loving life but on the inside there is a storm raging and she's bound to cause damage... Just because you're struggling now, doesn't mean you won't make it. Hard times don't last. Keep going. You are strong enough. funny thing my circle of friends is getting smaller,they are jumping off that band wagon real quick these days,but hey i aint to surprised its only gonna help me out in the future....its real easy to say ur aTRUE FRIEND but can u really and honestly be a TRUE FRIEND....hey when u got smething everybody wants u cant get a moment alone but when u dont have anything left that seems to be the lonliest time of ur life...and i know one thing thats for sure i have been thru some good times and some bad times and i have been with the biggest crowds and been all alone but i honestly can say that i would rather be all alone with no one than in a crowd of people that are gonna do nothing but hurt me in the long run.....rather be poor and know that the people standing next to me dnt care about what i can give them they are there because they are gonna walk thru the struggle with me...i may not have my blood family with me from day to day but i am just fine with the family of friends i was given....memories we created good times we enjoyed bad times we hated but in the end we have eachother and that is all we needed to get thru....to all of MY FRIENDS (no need to wonder,cause one thing is for sure if Amanda calls u her friend she means it) i am the happiest i have ever been and thats because i was given a chance to weed out those fake ones and make amends with the ones that i i let down and last but not least i couldnt be happier to be able to start fresh with the ones that wanna start fresh with me..................and finally i am so greatful to be able to say that i have been given the chance to walk down a different path in my life and i am thankful for the support that has been given to me i have made commitments to my bestest of friends, whom which i should call my "family",that i will be here to support them and help them through the tough times they may have ahead and in my eyes that is what friends are there for...im known to be that friend who will go kicking and screaming with u,ill walk beside u and not behind u,and hell if its raining i will even share my umbrella with u...........and thats just because i know how important friendships are to me, they are all i got without the good friends i have in my life i would not be where i am today they have given me the strength to not give up on the most important things in life and taught me that people make mistakes only to learn and grow from them and in their eyes they see me as someone who is doing her best and just because she didnt succeed the first time she is not a complete failure and she deserves a second chance to accomplish the things they know she can accomplish.........TO SUM IT ALL UP I KNOW THAT I NO LONGER HAVE TO SEARCH FOR MY TRUE FRIENDS I KNOW WHO THEY ARE IT TOOK SOME TIME TO ''CLEAN" UP SOME "DIRTY" ONES,BUT FOR THE MOST PART I COULDNT ASK FOR ANY OTHERS CAUSE THE ONES I GOT ARE ONE OF A KIND AND I AM PROUD TO SAY THOSE FRIENDS ARE ALL MINE! p.s.i know that to some this may seem silly and make so since to u at all,but there are some that wil be reading this and thinking to themselves the memories that we have shared and the tears that we probably even shed tears together but after all that u are smiling because u know this is TRUE......
People always ask me what it’s like to be a heroin addict. I guess it’s different for everyone so I wont speak on behalf of the entire addict population but I can sure as hell tell you what being a heroin addict was to me. Being an addict in itself was me not knowing when to stop and quickly crossing that line of not being able to stop. Whether it was meth, xanax or coke, I did them all addictively. But when I found heroin, I fell in love. At first, being a heroin addict was exciting. It was meeting dealers, feelin like a bad ass lil white girl in the worst parts of saint louis. It was snorting lines of dope in the bathroom of Kirkwood just to go back to class high as fuck and know I was getting away with it. It was the rebellious side of me thinking that being a junior in high school and snorting meth and heroin made me tough. 6 months later, being a heroin addict had me on my hands and knees searching my car for chunks of dope that I may or may not have dropped. It was licking little gray pebbles to see if they tasted like dope. It was crushing up anything that could be broken down and snorting it hoping it would stop the withdrawals. By the end of my senior year, a heroin addict was all I was. Being a heroin addict was having my dealers give me some dope, warn me that this batch has caused numerous people to OD and me being excited cause that meant it was good. Being a heroin addict turned into me snorting that line of dope because I had too, not because I wanted too. Being a heroin addict was staying up all night debating on whether or not I should take my boyfriend to the hospital because he had been throwing up for 6 hours straight from withdrawals. But, being a heroin addict was also doing my last line of dope because I didn’t want to deal with him…. instead of just giving it to him so he’d go to bed. When I moved to Colorado after high school, heroin had my soul and it wasn’t planning on ever giving it back. Being a heroin addict was putting a needle in my arm for the first time. It was living in my best friends room for months, only coming out when we needed more dope. It was shooting up the second my eyes opened just so I could get out of bed and consider starting my day. Being a heroin addict was having my own lil bag for my spoon, my needles, the mixer, tie, lighter and cottons. Being a heroin addict was having my boyfriend get me something small to keep fresh water in so I wouldn’t have to use puddle water or Gatorade when I shot up. Being a heroin addict was NEVER leaving without that bag. Being a heroin addict became my first priority. I wouldn’t go to class or work unless I had dope to get me through it – I was useless as fuck when I was dopesick anyway. Being a heroin addict was sleeping over at my nasty ass dope dealers house every night so I never had to pay for anything or get sick. Being a heroin addict was stealing probably over 10 grand from my family but keeping up my life on the outside so they would never question me. Being a heroin addict was constantly shooting meth and heroin together hoping my body would give out. It never did. & When I thought I couldn’t turn into any nastier of a junkie, being a heroin addict put me on the streets of saint louis. Being a heroin addict became putting my boyfriend completely in charge of my well-being because I was an ignorant little white bitch who thought she had street smarts. It became stealing over $30,000 from hardware stores to support our habit and him later getting arrested for it all. Being a heroin addict became sleeping in vacos and on a bench in Forest Park. It became eating a pack of peanut butter crackers every other day so we wouldn’t starve. But more than anything, being a heroin addict had become us having the money for food and a motel room but choosing to spend every penny on dope. Being a heroin addict became not contacting my family for days and not understanding why they were so concerned about me – like, im fine. Duh. Being a heroin addict was then being drugged up by my boyfriend so he could call my family and get us off the streets without me kicking and screaming. I was shipped off to rehab with no intentions of getting sober. Being a heroin addict was showing up to Florida with a heart almost as black as my veins. It was spending 70 pointless days in rehab. Being a heroin addict was shooting up in my halfway house as soon as I got out of rehab. It was manipulating girls to give me their pee so I wouldn’t get caught. It was snorting lines in the bathroom of an NA meeting and thinking no one would notice. Being a heroin addict was fucking some random ass dealer in West Palm because the money I had I needed for getting my nails done but I still wanted some dope. Priorities right there, my friends. Being a heroin addict was calling my rehab begging to come back for the third time. My recovery began December 11th, 2015. Being a recovering heroin addict starts with, “this shit is either going to kill me or im going to get clean.” It’s having no idea how living without heroin is possible but being so broken that I had nothing to lose. Being a recovering heroin addict is realizing I am not the fucking exception. It’s seeing how many people have stayed sober working this simple program and understanding I am no different than any of them. Being a recovering heroin addict is nothing close to easy. Some days fucking suck. Things happen that are completely out of my control. In sobriety, I’ve lost the most important person in my life to this drug. My boyfriend. My best friend. My other fucking half. The one person in this world who understood my addiction better than anyone ever will. The one person who stuck with me through the good, the bad, and the nasty. The only person who gave me a reason to keep living thru the depths of my addiction. The only person who has seen me at my worst and still loved me unconditionally. I lost the boy who is the ONLY reason I am alive today. But, being a recovering heroin addict is living for those who no longer have the opportunity to do so. It’s not picking up no matter what life throws at me. It’s understanding that the second I put a needle in my arm, im gone and im more than likely never coming back. More importantly, it’s knowing damn well that it’s not fucking worth it and it never will be. Being a recovering heroin addict is a privilege because most addicts will never get the chance to put “recovering” before heroin addict. Stacey
"DON'T QUIT When things go wrong, as they sometimes will, When the road you're trudging seems all uphill, When the funds are low and the debts are high, And you want to smile, but you have to sigh, When care is pressing you down a bit, Rest, if you must, but don't you quit. Life is queer with its twists and turns, As every one of us sometimes learns, And many a failure turns about, When he might have won had he stuck it out; Don't give up though the pace seems slow - You may succeed with another blow. Often the goal is nearer than, It seems to a faint and faltering man, Often the struggler has given up, When he might have captured the victor's cup, And he learned too late when the night slipped down, How close he was to the golden crown. Success is failure turned inside out - The silver tint of the clouds of doubt, And you never can tell how close you are, It may be near when it seems so far, So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit - It's when things seem worst that you must not quit!" ~ author unknown
When I was first introduced to heroin it was by my boyfriend at the time. We will just call him “Walter.” I wasn’t aware of his drug use prior to moving in, but as time went on I started to catch on, and within weeks I started to uncover what was truly going on behind the scenes. But little did I know, I was about to dive head first into this black hole called “Heroin.” I use the term black hole because that’s exactly what it is. You start by peaking into the unknown, telling yourself at any moment you can stand up and run home. Never do you imagine yourself falling so far down, with nothing to hold on to- no one to call out too for help. You’re just free falling—and then everything goes black.
Ever since I was a little girl my favorite movie has always been Alice in Wonderland. It’s ironic that this experience felt a lot like the plot of my favorite childhood movie. I was just a young girl, curious about the world around me. Curious of that black hole, and once I fell down, I was lost, Just wanting to get home. The first time I tried heroin was out of spite, Out of anger and sadness. I didn’t understand why Walter couldn’t quit. I’ll never forget that night. I was crying and so upset, I locked myself in the bathroom of our apartment (where I found another stash hidden) and told Walter, “If you think this is okay to do to yourself, then you can watch what it does to me.” It sounds so stupid now, I know.
But that’s where I was. I was watching someone I cared for throw his life away. And for a second I thought maybe I could change his life. But the only life I changed that night was my own.
It took me one time… one small line of brown powder, and I was hooked. I convinced myself that everything was fine, I mean I wasn’t shooting the stuff up… that’s what the “real addicts do,” right? No. that’s where people are highly mistaken; Just because you don’t have track marks on your arm doesn’t make you any better than the dope head sitting next to you nodding off, with a needle in his vein. I just happen to be a little queasy around needles, so I never went that route. i would say four months in to this addiction I found myself living a double life. I quit answering phone calls, I quit going home to see my parents, I shut myself off from the people I loved most. Because these are the people that can see through me, and I knew if I were to be around them they would know something was wrong. I was ashamed of who I was, I was ashamed of the person I had become. I never went a day without this drug for over a year. I went through my worst set of withdraws one night and I swear it’s like your own personal hell. I sat in the passenger seat of my car kicking in my dashboard and pleading to God “Please just make all of this go away.”
I called numerous rehabs hoping to find one that would take my insurance. But of course they wouldn’t take insurance and I felt hopeless. I felt as if the rest of my life would be dedicated to this drug. I was so angry with myself, I was so angry with God. I felt like he wasn’t listening to me, he wasn’t helping me. I needed him, I needed him to save me because I couldn’t save myself. Walter and I drove that morning to pick up another sack of heroin. I had been withdrawing for about 14 hours at this point. We got it, opened the bag up and poured some out on my center consul. I remember picking up that dollar bill and feeling the drugs enter my body. I took a huge gulp of blue Gatorade to get the discussing taste out of my mouth and then everything went black. One red light- that’s how far Walter got before looking over at me, to find my face blue, my eyes shut, and I was making funny noises with my throat. Walter described the sounds as if I were drowning, gasping for air. Not even a full minute from when that drug entered my system, and I was dead. That’s what people don’t understand about this drug. It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve done it, all it takes is that ONE time, and your life is over.
I woke up in the backseat of my boyfriend’s mom’s car. She had come to meet us in the parking lot of where he had pulled over. They laid me in the back of her car until the ambulance arrived. I woke up confused and foggy; I thought I had been in a car wreck. I didn’t know where I was, how I got there, or what happened. The ambulance had shot me up with narcan; after probably 20 minutes of being lifeless, within seconds I was back. God answered my prayers that day. I was taken to the hospital where my family came to join me; they didn’t know what to say or how to act. I was throwing up, my memory was all over the place. I didn’t even know what to say to them. I just laid there. My mom and step dad were at my apartment gathering all of my belongings while my dad and stepmom were speaking to the nurses and helping me talk with a psychiatrist. They brought me home that night.
The date was 11/19– All I ever wanted to do was come home. For two weeks I laid in my room going through withdraws. Cold sweats, restless legs, vomiting, sharp pains running through my body. I got up a hand full of times within those two weeks. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t drink anything, I just wanted to sleep but that would make it all too easy. It’s impossible to sleep. I was on lockdown. My dad took away my phone; my car was parked at my moms. I had no way out and being that my dad lives in a gated community, he made sure that no one had a way in. my mom would drive over to my dad’s to bathe me… yes that’s right. I couldn’t even take a shower on my own. The water felt like a thousand knives stabbing me in every inch of my body. When the pain got the worst of me I remember trying to leave.
My dad wrestled me to the ground as I beat the shit out of him. There was nothing easy about this process, for any of us. My parents had to be strong when I couldn’t and I thank them for that. When you’re an addict you think everyone is your enemy, but in the long run they’re the ones saving your life. I stayed clean for about two months. Until I didn’t; The next time I did heroin I overdosed, a second time. The date was 1/06 I don’t even like to talk about this day because it was just plain dumb. Why I would ever touch the stuff again is beyond me. But I did. And here we are. My stepmom did CPR on me for over 30 minutes waiting for an ambulance to show up. I woke up on my bedroom floor after being shot up with narcan (again) with nothing but regret and disgust.
But through that relapse I found myself again. I didn’t know who I wanted to be or where I wanted to go. I did however know who I didn’t want to be and where I didn’t want to go. And that was one of two options. Dead or in jail. I picked up the pieces of my life that day and GREW THE HELL UP. Not many people get a second chance at life, they defiantly don’t get a third. I was one of the lucky ones which is why I’m sharing my story. I wouldn’t wish this disease on my worst enemy and i wish I could take the needle from an addicts arm and make them realize what a beautiful world they have waiting for them.
But its up to them, and you cant help anyone who doesn’t want to help themselves. It’s a tough uphill battle but its worth it. I look back at those two weeks I spent in bed getting clean of this drug, and although it was hell… it was TWO weeks. The important thing to remember once you get clean is to change your surroundings, cut off all people that use. I don’t care if they are your best friends, cut them off. And get your life back. And in time, you will inspire others to do the same. THAT’S what a friend is. That’s what taking control of your life is. You deserve it. You’re worth it. You’re always ONE decision away from a totally different life.
Michelle APRIL 6, 2017 AT 2:27 AM
All I can say is I didn’t know. I guess I put on blinders and just didn’t want to know the truth. My son was extremely over weight and very self conscious about his appearance. He had very few friends. Then, one day, he started introducing me to new friends, he started losing weight and seemed happy for the first time in a long time! I was blind. I guess I didn’t see how fast the weight was coming off, how a 16 year old boy suddenly went from being 220 lbs. to 140. How his skin was turning grey and his arms were picked apart. He wore long sleeves constantly. He started to get aggitated with me a lot and than staying nights at friends houses a lot.
By 17 he had been expelled from school for the last time and moved in with his girlfriend, who also seemed extremely thin. That was 10 years ago. Three years ago he got clean, met a nice girl and had a daughter, I wish the story ended there. He didn’t want kids. He was “stressed and frustrated” using his words , and started disappearing for hours at a time. It wasn’t long before I started to see that look again. An old ghost come to haunt me! Hailey turned 2 March 26th. Her dad is in jail; possession of drugs and paraphinalia and an unanswered warrant. Hailey and her mom are now in another state. We video chat when we can, but I miss them so much. I went to see my son the other day. He’s so happy he’s in jail now, away from all temptation, but he’s also very scared, scared for his future, about wanting to be in his daughter’s life, and about not wanting to be “that dad”, the one that is never there.
Your story touched me. You were saved! God has a purpose for you and I have no doubt you will find it! Thank you for being there for others, so that they can read your story and maybe seek help. God bless you!
Like Reply annemoss.com APRIL 6, 2017 AT 5:24 PM Just now seeing this. My son died by suicide as a result of this drug. https://annemoss.com I miss him every day.
Like Reply Jesz APRIL 7, 2017 AT 2:33 AM As i sit here and read your story it gives me hope, my husband has been battling with heroin …. Its been 9 years …. Hea gone to 4 diffrent rehabs and even jail … We have 3 children together and i just cant seem to leave. Not even when he od with at the time my 3 year old and 8 year old in the car! My 8 year old called 911 and they where able to save his life. I have done a number of cpr on him, he has over dosed i dont even know how many times, and i feel like hes had is angle watching over him …. Long story short he is now in prison serving 4 years … Leaving me and our childreb behind to work out life in the ” outside” world …. Im still hopeful for him …. I have aince forgave him … It wasnt the man i fell in lolve with. It was the drug the addiction ….
Again thank you for sharing ur story. Liked by 1 person Reply Peter APRIL 20, 2017 AT 6:26 AM I thing every addiction is a dance with the devil. I am an alcoholic and benzo addict, and lucky for me, I have always made it to detox before having seizures or the D/Ts. Addiction is hell. Kudos to you for coming out the other side alive (but the beast always lurks within, ready to strike – as my girlfriend has said many times, “It’s a great life if you don’t weaken.”)
Liked by 1 person Reply Jack G. APRIL 20, 2017 AT 9:16 PM All of your stories are eye-openers and I’m glad many of you or your loved ones got the help that you needed. I knew a woman who was so desperate for heroin that she sold her body over and over for the drug to drug dealers. I’m glad she recovered and gained back the weight she lost (45 pounds down to like 98 pounds). It was scary for her parents, really scary. I hope to never know a parent that has a kid with this nasty addiction, it affects everybody around them. What I don’t understand is, that’s all it takes is one line and your hooked? I never want to touch the stuff, but I was curious as to what that first line makes you feel like that makes a person so addicted. Can someone please fill me in, because I never knew one line of any drug would get a person hooked.
Like Reply Hannah MAY 3, 2017 AT 3:30 PM Its a chemical unbalance in your brain.. Addicts are born with it. It’s really a disease and when you take that first hit, it awakens the beast. It takes over your mind and body… Makes you do thinga you never said you would just because your withdrawing that day.. You’ll do anything just to feel better again. It’s horrible. I wish i never tried a drug in my life, but i did. It went on for years and now im clean and the mother of a 4 month old beautiful baby girl and I will stay clean for her. She deserves a sober, fully present mother.
Liked by 2 people Reply Honey MAY 17, 2017 AT 4:57 PM It makes you feel energized, everything is better everything. Then it calms you and its like a euphoria. Nothing and nobody messes your mood up. You feel like a super human. You feel normal you feel happy and like everything is perfect. N when you start to go down all you do is a bit more n your right back in that place again…. Then fallowing a perfect day you get the best sleep of your life…. Until its gone. Its sick. I hate that i loved it so much…. But life is way better with out it.
Like Reply Phillip cruz AUGUST 29, 2017 AT 12:09 AM
Its like the best pain reliever in the world takes all your aches and pain away feeling joyful
Like Reply Chris MAY 2, 2017 AT 1:41 PM Yes it’s the most euphoric feeling in the world
Like Reply jlsherf MAY 5, 2017 AT 1:19 PM
Congrats on your sobriety! Its a hard road but you did it! Keep making people aware of this disease! God will use your pain and experience to save lives!
Liked by 1 person
Reply Srp MAY 13, 2017 AT 3:02 PM
It feels like love. Have ever been so in love with a person that you literally couldn’t imagine your life without them? You couldn’t imagine spending even a minute of your day without them because you’re just so engulfed in their love, well that’s what herion makes you feel like. When you try a delicious new food, something you’ve never tasted before and it’s like fireworks going off in your mouth and stomach? Thats what herion feels like. Although for me I did herion for years (not everyday) and never got addicted to it over a period of 6 years. Im defiently very very very BLESSED but after I gave birth to my child, I got addicted INSTANTLY to the pain pills they gave me. Its really funny how much a womens body changes after having a child, but I think god did it to help me change and Get my life together because i was basically an addict without the addicted part. I left all of my family behind and changed everything about myself but I did all of that for love, real love with my my boyfriend at the time. He was an addict and I loved him more than life itsself and I would do LITERALLY anything for him to love me back like i loved him (because drugs were his first love) and I sure the hell did. I almost ruined my entire life for an addict who only loved and cared for his drugs. He never wanted to change or get his life together..
So since I'm not very talkative, this is my way to get this out. Try to see if it helps. A lot of you who knows me knows about Bentley. My son that I lost. For the longest time people told me I was strong for going thru that. But truth is, thats what started my downfall into drug addiction. I loved that baby more then I've ever loved anything in this world.. An he was taken from me an his mother. I was bitter, angry, confused but most of all I was helpless to the situation. An drugs were my way to forget feelings. I didnt care about anyone. Not what I did to them. Not if they were okay. Nothing. Every move I made was for me an my addiction. I hurt people I cared so much about deep down an its hard for me to forgive myself for those I've hurt. I'm sober now, so I'm forced to deal with all of these emotions that I've buried over the years. Understand something please before you judge me. I loved my son, I loved him so much that when he left this world to be with god, i felt like my life was over, so I lived like I didn't care to die (which at the time I didn't). Losing my son was my downfall, but from the ashes he's also my motivation for the path I'm taking now. Every move I make, I make thinking of him an if that move would make him proud to be my son. Bentley, I love you an miss you baby boy. This chapter of my life's for you.
The story of a girl who lived day by day and night by night,
Hunting what she will take to her grave a tremendous fight.
A battle of addiction she has tried so hard to win,
But with each and every relapse she says lets do it again.
She walks hand and hand with the devil she would say,
And with each single shot shes so very lucky to just see the next day.
Its not just a little choice that she made over night,
Its grew into this nasty and deadly addiction she must always fight.
Its not easy living with this each and every day and its a struggle for her to even ask for help out.
She dries her tears and walks with a smile and inside there's a doubt
She wonders what she will do when she falls out each night,
And it's a relief to wake up each morning to yet another fight.
She wants to be normal and wants this to all go away,
She wants to be that spunky girl again and let that happiness stay.
She has so much to live for and she is missing it all,
Because that happiness she seeks is on the other side of a wall.
Shes caught in this addiction this disease that she will fight a battle to survive,
She refuses to give in a battle she will fight til the very end
She cries all alone and she sees no ones there,
She hides the truth because she believes they don't care.
She wants so much to be back on track,
But this addiction is beating her each time it comes back.
Shes tried to stop it and push it away,
But when times get tough it moves in to stay.
She cant figure out how to just let it go,
And she searches for answers but dont let anyone know.
She fights this disease all alone and shes scared,
She refuses to believe that anyone even cared.
She has smiled and covered this storm deep down inside,
Because this addiction and disease shes tried so hard to hide.
This addiction will use what it can to beat her down,
And with each and every blow that it lands there is still yet another round.
She will never give up that's not what she will do,
She will continue to fight and she will see it to be thru
She will never break down and let it win,
But with each time she goes harder and harder again
She will one day beat this evil she must always face,
But until that day comes she will continue this race
So walk with her oh lord i will pray,
And let her be strong for just another day.
Amanda..... Richelle "Shining" Feb.16,2018
Beautiful Disaster Looking in the mirror what do i see,
A beautiful disaster yeah that's me.
To myself I use to bring such joy,
Now I bring misery cuz all I touch I destroy.
There's so many things I want to achieve,
Out of those things failure is all I ever received.
The 2 people I want to make proud is mom and dad,
Of course like always I ruined the last chance I ever had.
The ones I love i broke their hearts,
I f*cked up my life from the very start.
One thing I forgot to mention,
I've always had the best of intentions.
So when I'm asked looking in the mirror what do i see,
Honestly a beautiful disaster yeah that's me.
Life is a struggle life is a test,
The test i failed an my life is a big ole mess.
They say to set goals but I wont attempt,
I honestly believe no goals no disappointment.
For me no expectations is the best way,
I can live my life day by day.
No regrets is what I would always say,
Cuz all I been through made me who I am today.
Ur opinions don't matter an no one could ever change me,
A beautiful disaster is what i'll always be.
Just a little note to myself
A little something from me
A little story of what goes on
A little storm raging inside u dont see
Each day i wake up I count that day down Its a smile i wear
A smile is much more than a frown I hide that pain
Oh its hidden so very well
But i know each day Im getting closer to my cell I have made my mistakes
I know what I've done But hold myself accountable
And this is how ive won Im a perfect disaster
Oh everyone can see
But my smile will hide
The raging storm deep inside of me
I'm a step closer
With each game that I play
But here I am
I've made it another day
My choices are right
But sometimes can be all wrong
But with each choice is a lesson
A lesson that made me this strong
My path I've chose
A rocky path I might say
But i walk it well
And would take no other way
I cant seem to smile
And it really be me
Bc this smile i wear hides the storm that is raging inside of me
I live my life one day at a time
Sometimes I worry week to week
Because I'm afraid of my future
It's only happiness that I seek
I'm trying to find what needs to be found
I keep my feet steady
And stay off the ground
If i fall I get up I wont miss a beat
I dust it all off
Because it's happiness I seek
I pray that one day
This smile on me Is the day that the sun
Has beaten the storm raging inside of me...
Growing up a princess I was always told never get greedy for what u search for isn't gold. There are things Miss Amanda that you must always remember.
Like to count one thru ten and ur months thru to December
But there are many other things that will so soon turn about.
Like how to wear your show strings tucked in or tucked out.
Now these things are so simple and so simply they are told.
But now comes the tricky part and that's much more than any gold.
First thing is a must and so importantly said that thing I speak of loyalty # one in my head. Always stay loyal no matter what u must do. Loyalty is everything to me. I wish u only knew. Next comes honesty.
Let's not forget the truth.
For we learn this characteristic during our youth.
Always tell things exactly how they be.
No need to be extra, just keep it simple you see.
Never think that your goals can't be reached.
If you fail try again isn't that whats always preached.
Don't stop trying even if the first time may not be right.
For it's the second and third time that you may fight..
Life is what you make it its all up to you..
This is not just a story by me it's oh so very tru...
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